I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."
Honestly? I haven't started working on this passage memorization yet for this week.
It's been a bit of a crazy week with something going on each evening, and this evening I find myself still sitting in my classroom, which is now silent outside of the occasional person wandering the halls and the praise music I have streaming on Pandora. The stillness is rather relaxing.
Later, I will make my way to an ice cream place down the road to scoop ice cream for Panther Spirit Night. Maybe I'll see a few faces from my classroom.
The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.
As I memorize this verse, I have to really search myself and ask whether or not this is true reality in my heart.
Yes. I love God. I love Him with everything in me.
Does my heart long for things that I do not have yet though? Absolutely.
Talking with a friend a couple months ago, I realized the root of the feelings that I have in my heart and mind. They are not feelings of not being content. I'm content. I love living by myself, going home to a quiet house (aside from the barking of my little ankle biter of a dog), and the peace I find after a crazy (but fun) day at the school. I love it.
It's actually better than I thought it'd be. I was honestly a little concerned about getting lonely and such. That's only happened a couple times since I bought the house about 7 months ago.
Even though I'm content, I'm happy, and I wouldn't change the fact that I bought a house last year, my heart is still longing.
I don't feel fulfilled.
I don't feel whole.
Someone is missing when I wake up in the mornings. Someone is missing when I cook supper at night (which is obvious since I usually have enough for another two meals after I eat my supper). Someone is missing when I have exciting news to share late at night, yet no one to share it with.
No, it's not about being content at all. I absolutely love my life. However, I am not fully whole yet. My heart longs for my husband. It hurts not knowing who he is or where he is. And sometimes I wonder if he is at all. Or if he is not. And that it's just me.
As I typed out the verse for this week's 52 in 52, I had to ask myself whether or not I truly meant what I was typing. I didn't start this journey at the beginning of the year just hoping to store away some random passages. No, I wanted to learn, grow, change, transform, and mold into someone new. My desire is that through these 52 weeks, the 52 passages I select would have an impact on my heart and my life. And in turn, I will be a new creation in Him.
So, can I truly claim the Lord as my portion?
I pray that I can. I pray that my longings do not draw me away from God and from my desire to live solely in Him. I desire to love Him with an undying passion that grows every second of my life here on this earth.
Yes, I am content. I have my God. He is my Father, my Lord, my Savior. He is my Companion.
And until He introduces me to the man He has hand chosen for me to love, marry, live life with, and die holding onto, I will continue to seek God with every ounce of my being, and I will pray for him, his safety, his walk with God, his family, and his life. And even after I meet my man, my prayer is that through my relationship with him, I will never cease to seek God's face.
Yes. I will say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."